Thursday, December 29, 2005

On Friday Night, I Am Getting So Borked!

Hey, baby - what's happening? It's been awhile I know... but let me make it up to you. Maybe you want to come over friday night. I'll turn the lights down low, put on some nice music, and we can slouch towards Gomorrah as we watch the 1987 Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Robert Bork! That's right, SCOTUSblog informs us that CSPAN is replaying highlights from a number of past confirmation hearings. Bork gets some prime billing - Friday night at 10 pm. So sit back, relax, and watch the man who fired Archibald Cox get what's coming to him at the hands of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And sure, they could have just attacked his originalist interpretation, or his extreme rightwing views - but they didn't stop there. They leaked his video rental history to the press! It's clear that anyone who rents Ruthless People has no place on the highest court in the land! I'm also clearing my schedule for the non-stop fireworks of the Breyer hearings. best. television. ever.

Friday, December 02, 2005

To whom it may concern

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to express my interest in the Web Developer position I read about on your website. I am fully confident that I possess the skills and aptitude you are looking for. I have been using computers since April of 2004, and in that time I have demonstrated surprisingly strong decision making skills. While I have learned to comprehend only two numbers at a time, with all those ones and zeros, who's really counting! And as my current employer will attest, I show up to work under my own free will (one of only three in my department who can say that!). But before I go too far bragging, let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 47 years old, and I live in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. I know, it sounds fancy, but really... I found the last affordable place in the area. In my spare time, I'm a real animal lover (who isn't, I know). But if there's one thing I like more than animals... it's got to be computers. I may not be able to read a clock, but man - let me warn you - do NOT keep me from my computer. I will go ape-shit if you keep me from the internet. Literally, if it weren't for the reinforced cubicle they keep me in, I would try to kill you right now. But anyway, in lieu of formal payment, I request that you set up a simple task-reward type of system. Nothing fancy. Thanks for considering my attached resume, and please contact me with any questions. Reference available upon request.
- Keo

The Iraqi Ring of Fire

Ok, I'm back to watching the news and reading the paper. It was a siren calling me, and I can resist most things - but not temptation. Last night I was watching the BBC news on tee-vee and there was this short little story about the preparedness of the Iraqi army. As they went over the usual disagreements over American withdrawal, what went unmentioned was the video footage that was running in the background. Iraqi troops, in what I believe was meant to be a training exercise, were jumping through flaming hoops! One after the other - running ten paces, leaping through the ring of fire, and finishing with a dramatic somersault. Then the footage switched to hand to hand combat - the foot on the chest, roll back and flip your opponent kind of move. No doubt about it, these guys are ready to rumble. Maybe they need to go up against Lynda Carter and Gabe Kaplan on the obstacle course.